the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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