I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
His nipple licking is glorious
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