I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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