Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I just threw up on my dentist
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
