nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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