i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
