These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.