Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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