I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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