Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
