I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship