Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.