Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
