When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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