well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
