he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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