He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
