Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
