The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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