3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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