Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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