so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
