but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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