Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
