apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
