If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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