I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Barsexuality is the new black.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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