DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
