watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
