my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
