You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
