You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
