I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
