How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
