And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
