I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
