Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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