How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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