My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
A bitchslap is in order.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
