I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
it glows. i had to have it.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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