He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
