Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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