If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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