I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
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She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
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A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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