I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
