Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
