I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
