Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
