At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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