At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
