May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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