I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
