It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
did i walk over a car last night?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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