Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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