I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
