Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
