i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
